Chronic Ambivalence (And how to get unstuck)

Throughout my adult life, it is now clear that I suffered from what experts call "chronic ambivalence." I wrestled with decisions well beyond the point of clarity and wound up stuck with harmful consequences.

In careers, chronic ambivalence may involve things like wanting desperately to remove ourselves from jobs or occupations that are incompatible with our stress-tolerance; confronting or leaving toxic supervisors, associates, clients, or even organizations; or failing (not for the lack of trying) to achieve healthier lifestyles. We want all these things, but just don't get them done.

The longer this goes on, the more difficult it gets, and we wind up blaming ourselves. For years, I "shot arrows" at myself for not taking action and talked myself into believing that the stressors were self-imposed or a result of my inability to navigate the corporate machine -- even as a leader in the machine. Ultimately, I fell into a deep depression and wound up hospitalized.

Our closest friends and loved ones may inadvertently pile on by incessantly urging us to make a change or advising us on how to do it. The advice is loving and well-meaning, but it can add stress to someone who is chronically stuck. (Do they think I'm an idiot?).

Based on my experiences and those of others, I believe people who find themselves chronically ambivalent are well served to see a therapist, especially if they are exhausted, on edge, feeling trapped, pulling away from people, losing their sense of joy, or feeling confused or ill. These and other developments not inconsequential to the person, their colleagues, or their loved ones.

At the same time, an excellent life coach, mental health coach, or career coach can partner with folks to develop a roadmap out of their stuckness in a way that aligns with their goals, aspirations, values, and tolerance for change. They can even help you clarify all of the above. Not through pressure, but through insight and empowerment. Sometimes, clients even discover that the solution doesn't necessarily involve the painful steps they imagined.

(By the way, my use of the word "excellent" before coach is not accidental. Demand for coaching services has inspired great people to get trained and certified, and many others to hang out a shingle solely on their instincts, life experience, and natural abilities. I prefer coaches who are credentialed and believe it really helps if you can find someone with prior experience in business or a related field.)

Above all, people with chronic and even severe ambivalence should know that hope is a real thing, and that it absolutely exists in their circumstances no matter what those are. We can access hope by gently prying off the lid and spooning out the benefits at a comfortable but progressive pace.

I don't like to say "trust me," but I'm going to in this case. If you are chronically or even severely ambivalent, there is a way out of your misery. There just is. Pry back the lid.